Kyrie Irving Demands Trade....to Far Side of Earth

All-star point guard, master handle-haver, and epic layup-finisher Kyrie Irving sent shockwaves through the NBA last week when he demanded a trade from the Cleveland Cavaliers. Sources close to the young Uncle Drew state that he felt his time in Lebron's shadow was over and that he would prefer to be traded to the far side of the earth where there are no shadows as there is no sun and basketball is played in a state of permanent midnight. Kyrie has gone as far as stating his preference to play for the Bizarro-Spurs,  The New York SkcinK, or The Miami Cold. The exact process of how a transaction between the NBA and the WNBA would work is not clear, but some precedent may exist in the trade that brought Sam Cassell from his alien home world to the Los Angeles Clippers. While the details of this groundbreaking move are still being worked out, fans and analysts alike can’t help but salivate with excitement over the possibilities. We reached out to the other side, and the only response we got was from the always affable and approachable Bizarro Popovich:

“Come Kyrie, come now to the far side where your powers will be honed in the darkness, unleashing a thousand years of team basketball.” ~Bizarro Pop

Bizarro Pop’s counterpart on this side of Earth has already done his part to facilitate the move by performing the rites of ritual sacrifice on Lamarcus Aldridge.  

Both teams played hard...goodnight and godbless.

Phil Jackson: Grabs them by the Posse

Professional basketball curmudgeon Phil Jackson took some time out from his meditations on the tao of Kristaps Porzingis on the high post, to fire a shot across of the bow of King James. In an interview with ESPN, the Zen master referred to James' group of confidants as a "posse." Both Lebron and his associates took exception with that term, considering it to be racially charged and dismissive. Lebron went as far as pulling out his trump card and stating that he has lost all respect for Phil. The Zen master later attempted to broker peace in NBA by clarifying that he "meant no triangle offense," and stating "I didn't intend to insult Lebron's inner circle, I just wanted to express my displeasure that they aggregated in a circle instead of a triangle." Jackson's instagram account was updated last night with this conciliatory image:

Having put this controversy "squarely" behind him Jackson can resume his responsibilities at the helm of NY Knicks, considered by many to be a serious contender for the 2011 NBA championship.

"Both teams played hard....goodnight and godbless."

Lakers Win...Super Bowl?!?

Tucked in behind game 2 of the worlds series was last night's impressive start by the young guns of the Lakeshow. Timothy Mozgov seems worthy of that Mozgov Level Cheddar (MLC), D'Angelo Russel appears to be recovering from that incident where he injected ice into his veins and Nick Young seems surprisingly OK with the fact that D'Angelo Russel ruined his life. Who would have thought that a team coached by Mike D'Antoni that features James harden for 40 minutes/game would have put up such a soft defensive effort.

With a young nucleus of talent, a sought-after coach and a strong opening game Lakers fans are scrambling to figure out what it all means. Are we legit? Started from the bottom now we here? DID WE JUST WIN THE SUPER BOWL?!?!?! That's right Los Angelinos, I too went to bed last night thinking that the Lakers may have just won the epic confrontation between AFC and NFC champions only to be hit up side the head by Julius Randle's sobering commentary.

"It's just one game. It's not the dang Super Bowl." -J. Randle

Wow. Thank you Julius for bringing us back down to Earth. The second-year player is certainly showing patience and maturity beyond his years. It must be the steadying influence of Meta World Peace. 

"Both teams played hard...goodnight and godbless."

Darren Rovell & the Analytic Hot Take

This past Monday Aroldis Chapman hurled a heater at 105.1 mph, tied for the fastest pitch ever recorded by Statcast. To help you contextualize just how mind-blowing and un-hitable a heater that is, analytics savant Darren Rovell offers this hot take:

Oh man! I get it now. As usual I couldn't say it any better than Curt Schilling:

True numbers indeed! The speed limit around Yankee Stadium is 25 MPH, meaning that a driver racing through at 105 MPH would certainly be in the range of the maximum $600 fine, reckless driving penalties and possible jail time.  Although Chapman would probably take that any day compared to the 30 day suspension he served for domestic abuse which cost him $1,856,557. 

"Both teams played hard...goodnight and godbless."

Fundamentally Sound Athletic Professional Moves on to Real Career as Actuary

Happy trails to the Big Fundamental and his all-time great NBA career. As much as us sporting nerds like to make fun of him for having the least flava of any NBA star (see top 10 highlight reel which features only 2 different types of plays), its hard not to respect a man that made all NBA and all defensive team honors in each of his first 13 seasons (only player ever). No one seemed to nail Duncan quite as well as the satire pros @ The Onion...some of their best titles below:

"Tim Duncan Calls Out Geometric Angle Needed To Make Bank Shot" 
"Tim Duncan Hams It Up For Crowd By Arching Left Eyebrow Slightly" 
"Tim Duncan Announces Shoe Deal With Florsheim" 
"Tim Duncan Urges Teammates To Be Patient With Frequent Flyer Miles" 
"Tim Duncan Forwards Story About Particle Accelerator To Spurs Teammates" 
"Tim Duncan Argues Theory Of Infinite Divisibility Prevents Any Team From Winning Championship" 
"Citing Battle Of Agincourt, Tim Duncan Urges Lakers Not To Get Too Discouraged By Game 1 Loss" 
"Tim Duncan Urges All-Stars To Use Inside Voice During Game" 
"Tim Duncan Busy At San Antonio Zoning Office Planning Spurs Championship Parade Route" 
"Tim Duncan Reports 5th Straight Successful New Year's Resolution" 
"Tim Duncan: An NBA Legend Rides Into The Sunset At A Safe And Prudent Speed"

Maybe my pipe dream of the Spurs finally being garbage is on the horizon after TD's locker room presence evaporates. Maybe Popovic will be exposed as nothing more than Mike Brown's puppet. Of course, even if San Antonio implodes Pop will always have his looks to fall back on.

"Both teams played hard...goodnight and godbless."

The Ballooning Cap & the Advent of the Crabbe Ratio

With the suddenly capacious salary cap sporting nerds everywhere are scrambling to recalibrate their meaning of "value." This is our new world: Mathew Dellavedova (owner of the sharpest finger nails since Rip Hamilton) gets a $38 million deal, and Harrison Barnes (who just shot his team out of a championship) gets a $94 million maximum deal. If John Wall was salty about getting the same money as Reggie Jackson, how do you think he feels about pulling down Mozgov-level cheddar (MLC)? Perhaps admist the noise and haste you didn't notice that Allen Crabbe (seen above guarding Ashton Kutcher) was able lock down a 4-year $75 million offer sheet. Which naturally prompts the question: who the hell is Allen Crabbe ? If you are wondering the same thing, you are not alone: a review of the google trends data suggests that people have been googling Allen Crabbe at a peak rate over the last 24 hours (with a 3-year high interest score). In light of this phenomenon we here at the sporting nerd are rolling out a new analytics metric: (total dollars of contract)/(number of google searches for "who is person x") = the Crabbe Ratio. With this robust statistical tool at your disposal the current contract market is far more palatable. For example, one might wonder why competent veteran Mike Conley is making $30 million a year in a max $150 million deal, however when normalized by the Crabbe Ratio you will see that the annual salary is something closer to $35,000.

Both teams played hard...goodnight and godbless.

#mambaout

Do You Believe in Minor Technicalities?

USA vs Russia in olympic hockey! Remember how that was a crazy important match-up 34 years ago? Tight. Well it happened again. Russia appeared to take a 3-2 lead when this goal was disallowed due to Jonathan Quick knocking the goal slightly off the PEG.  America went on to win in a shootout. In Soviet Russia goal scores you!  (proud of that one).

"Both teams played hard...goodnight and godbless."

Return of the Mac?

The pseudo-tragic tale of Tracy McGrady continues! The 7-time all-star and 2-time scoring champ is undoubtedly one of the best scorers in a generation. Unfortunately his rightful place in the NBA pantheon was stolen by a litany of back and knee injuries. Perhaps the most tragic moment for Mac fans came when he was seconds away from coat-tailing it onto a Spurs championship only to have it poached by a Ray Allen trey. Well the legions Mac fans (looking at you china) can rejoice! He is making a bid as a pitcher! Mac tried out for a minor league bid and apparently was able to clock in around the mid 80s with a fastball. Reasonably decent. If he makes it on the mound his 6'8" frame would definitely be intimidating, you can also tell from the video that he is well on his way to adding all that weight that CC Sabathia lost.

"Both teams played hard...goodnight and godbless."